Lebron James, by text, is a very candid man.
The following thread has been abridged for the sake of brevity.*
Me: Congrats, Lebron, on having chosen Syracuse.
Lebron: Yeah, it’s always great to come back to the Rust Belt.
Me: Rumors were swirling about you going to Golden State, Cleveland, Miami, and Syracuse. What made you finally choose the Salt City?
Lebron: Honestly, man, it came down to ComposeMD and The Essence of Syracuse, New York.
Me: What specifically in that book stood out?
Lebron: I mean, 127 inches of snow a year. All the sunshine in LA can really get to you. And then the empty buildings. I’m a real estate guy, and the decrepit strip malls really spoke to me.
Me: And there’s a great basketball history there.
Lebron: Absolutely. All you gotta say is the 24-second shot clock.
Me: What makes you think Syracuse is ready to help you win that fifth championship?
Lebron: Just look around—the place is loaded with talent. You start with Mike Tirico, then Bob Costas, Marv Albert, Ian Eagle—the list goes on. And anywhere that gave us Post Malone is obviously legit.
Me: A lot of people might particularly be wondering why Syracuse over Miami. What would you say to that?
Lebron: A lot of those people have never tried Wegmans, salt potatoes, or Pastabilities. And if they ever make it to Dinosaur Bar-B-Que, they’ll definitely understand. Plus, I prefer canals to oceans.
Me: What about Syracuse are you most excited about?
Lebron: IKEA.
Me: Where do you see yourself in a few years?
Lebron: Well, let’s hope the highway removal goes as planned, because I’m all about reconnecting neighborhoods. And then I hope to spend a lot of time on the new Micron campus talking chips.
Me: Did you make this move with Bronny in mind?
Lebron: I think anyone who knows me knows I make all my decisions with family in mind. And Bronny, that kid loves sledding. So yeah, because what a thrill it would be for father and son to sled together.
Me: Well, Lebron, I think I speak for everyone in the wasteland that is Upstate New York when I say, Thank you for choosing Syracuse.**
Lebron: You bet.
—
*It’s possible some or all of this conversation with Lebron James was completely fabricated.
**The Syracuse Nationals were founded in 1946, joining the NBA in 1949 and winning the NBA Championship in 1955. In 1963, the franchise moved to Philadelphia and became known as the 76ers.
