Dear European,
I know you’re smarter than me.
How do I know?
Because you tell me.
Anyway, I’ve come across a problem I can’t seem to solve. Of course, this roadblock has everything to do with my intellectual inferiority.
It revolves around soccer (your word, not mine).
FIFA—the acronym for Corrupt Monopoly—is based in Zürich, which in turn is based in Switzerland, the watch capital of the world.
In other words, when it comes to keeping time, you, European, know what you’re doing.
I mean Rolex, Patek Philippe, Vacheron Constantin—c’mon now.
As such, the following formula must be rooted in that same precision.
When the game starts, the clock starts.
It counts up.
When the ball goes out of bounds, the clock continues.
When play is stopped for a hydration break, the upward countdown rolls on.
If a player is injured, tick tock, tick tock.
During a video review, it’s more of the same.
But a referee is always keeping absolutely precise time.
All the stoppages are accounted for by one person on an elite European watch that no one else can see.
And that’s where the miracle begins.
Because in each and every game, when the “stoppage time” is added on at the end of a half, it is always miraculously an integer.
One might expect on some occasions that fractions, aka decimals, could enter the mix. But clearly my understanding of time is limited, as without fail, the additional time is a whole number.
And I’m even more embarrassed to admit some degree of perplexity at the fact that when four minutes are added, the teams continue to play for beyond four minutes.
Occasionally, fans express discontent at this phenomenon, but who do they think they are questioning the exactness of time? American?
In any event, I look forward to your intellectually superior response.
Sincerely,
Your pupil
