The Red, White, and Blue Flag in Upstate NY: A Ranking

Upstate New York never ceases to fascinate. Combine the intellectual elitism of New England with the tobacco-assisted toothlessness of West Virginia, and all sorts of interesting things can happen. Take, for instance, the red, white, and blue flag. Around these parts, it comes in a few different varieties, ranked here in descending order.

 

The Bills

The Buffalo Bills have never won a Super Bowl. They did, however, drop four in a row. They’ve also found immensely creative ways to lose, allowing teams to score in infinitesimally small timeframes, occasionally even placing extra players on the field to donate penalty yards in their opponents’ times of need. The franchise is the perfect representation of a city that has lost over half its population since 1950. (And people didn’t just move to the ‘burbs—the entire county shrank!) But, of course, it’s only football, meaning the number one spot was all but guaranteed.

 

The US

It’s hard to argue with this one. McDonald’s. Coca-Cola. Social media. The bread slicing machine. Post-it Notes. Walmart. Exxon Mobil. KFC. The US has made the world a better place.

 

The Puerto Rican

Puerto Rico es parte de los Estados Unidos, y como todos los estados tiene su propia bandera. ¿Qué? ¡¿No es estado?! De todos modos, muchos puertorriqueños han descubierto que hay más espacio (y menos oportunidades) en el norte de Nueva York en comparación con la ciudad de Nueva York.

Translation: Puerto Rico is part of the US, and like all states, it has its own flag. What? It’s not a state?! Anyway, many Puerto Ricans have discovered that there’s more space (and less opportunity) in the northern part of New York compared to New York City.

 

 

The Trump

Nothing against Trump. Sure, he’s been indicted on a couple charges here and there and would prefer despotism to lame democracy. And yes, his ardent supporters seem a little angry and probably stockpile weapons. But the real problem here is the size of the flags. The massive pieces of cloth are blocking the flow of air to energy-generating wind turbines (see below).

 

The Confederate

At last check, New York fought for the Union in the Civil War. Not to mention that this patriotic symbol belongs to the 11 states that tried to break away from the US and form their own country. As such, we’re left with only a few possible explanations regarding the ongoing display of this red, white, and blue flag in Upstate New York.

• Cerebral atrophy, either hereditary or acquired
• An obsession with white supremacy, expressed using intellectual inferiority
• A not-so-healthy relationship with firearms (see Trump above)
• An urgent need to decorate a pickup truck

 

 

As Taylor Swift said, Welcome to [Upstate] New York.