French Hip Hop: You Saved Us From French Music!

Dear France,

I know you think very highly of yourself. And in many regards, as I’ll highlight below, that self-confidence is warranted. But no one can do it all, and it’s time to be honest—your music is a little rough. The fact that you believe Edith Piaf is still hip is disconcerting, especially when you’re ignoring something truly hip—French hip hop (pun intended)—right under your nose. Hear me out.

I’ll start with the obvious. Your food and drink is legit. Look around the world, and it’s hard to find anyone who doesn’t enjoy a fresh baguette with fromage, or as they say across the Channel, cheese. Throw in some of your wine, sparkling or not, and we’re talking about happiness on a platter. And let’s not forget about your produce. With lush farmland all over the place, the good stuff is always right around the corner.

The café scene? One word—Paris.

The restaurant scene? Two words—Michelin Guides.

You even know how to make hard-boiled eggs with mayonnaise taste good. In other words, you’re for real.

But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Let me run down an abridged list.

Scientists? The Curies and Louis Pasteur.

Thinkers? Descartes.

Writers? Molière.

Artists? C’mon now—Monet and Renoir.

Fashionistas? Louis Vuitton. Coco Chanel. Christian Dior.

Cars? How about Peugeot and Renault?

Bike races? Only the Tour de France.

You’ve proven yourself quite capable in all sorts of disciplines. No wonder you were such an effective colonizer. Maybe not quite as dominant as the Brits, but way better than the Dutch. Or the Germans—they just sucked.

Thanks to your little empire, you got to spread your beautiful language. Actually, to be honest, it’s just another language, and the R‘s are hard to pronounce, but you’ve made it seem really important.

Back home, even though your citizens sleep and strike a lot, you still have the seventh-largest nominal GDP in the world. That’s work-life balance if I’ve ever seen it. You really have achieved something special—no wonder you get more tourists than anywhere else on Earth.

…

Now you might have noticed that I left one thing off the list. Even John Lennon once said that French rock is like English wine, and I don’t think he meant it as a compliment. While you insist that everyone wants to hear the chanson française, I can guarantee you that this type of song no longer resonates with the under-90 crowd.

 

Sure, you did produce the trendier Daft Punk, that weird duo with the helmets.

 

But remember, they sing in English, and you can’t stand English.

So what needs to be done?

Honestly, just get out of the way.

You know that xenophobia that you have? Thankfully, you’ve still let in a bunch of foreigners over the years. And lo and behold, they’re good at something you’re not—making good music.

You don’t really consider them French even though they rap in French, and you don’t like to give them those music awards that you have. But just like with that soccer team of yours, these guys are giving the world one less thing to make fun of you about. In fact, you have the globe’s largest hip hop market outside the US. Just have a listen.

 

“La belle et le bad boy” by MC Solaar

This dude was born in Senegal, one of your former colonies, but he moved to Paris when he was a mere tyke. He’s kind of a legend.

 

“Je danse le Mia” by IAM

These guys might make you a little uncomfortable with their North African themes, but if you don’t like this classic, you’re just being stubborn.

 

“Resstrankil” by Lestat XXL

You could see a theme developing here, as this artist has roots in Gabon, another one of your former colonies. He’s got skills.

 

“Oulala” by Ana Tijoux

Born to Chilean exiles living in your country, Tijoux usually sings in Spanish, but I think you’ll approve of this piece in French.

 

“Papa” by Bigflo & Oli

With an Argentinian father and a mother of Algerian descent, this set of brothers had the audacity to sneak some Spanish onto this track. It’s really good though.

 

So my dear France, I recommend that you stop going out of your way to shield the world from the best art you’ve made in the past half century. Meanwhile, I’ll end by addressing the craft directly:

Thank you, French hip hop. You saved us from French music.

 

Sincerely,

An ignorant American