Hey Chicago and Toronto: Cut the Sh*t

Listen, Chicago and Toronto.

We get it.

You think you’re really important.

You have a lot of rich Indian people who sit around and talk about taxes.

You got food, airports, blah, blah, blah.

And you got all sorts of opportunity, otherwise known as high-paying but mind-numbing jobs that will probably be replaced by AI.

Deep down, you want to be New York City.

But you ain’t—so you talk about how you’re so much cleaner.

Yeah, no one cares.

But the worst part about you guys is how you don’t want to be associated with your Great Lakes brethren.

Toronto, you go out of your way to make sure you’re not mentioned in the same breath as Rochester and Buffalo on the American side.

And Chicago, how many times do we have to hear how much better you are than Cleveland, Detroit, and Milwaukee?

What you don’t know is that while you’re tooting your own horns about who knows what, we’re doing all the same crap.

Yes, Toronto, you gave us Rush, the guys who liked to show off but couldn’t write a melody to save their lives. And you tossed in Neil Young, the reason Auto-Tune was invented. Not to mention Drake—that dude just sucks.

Chicago, you have that super creative band called…Chicago. And you gifted us the depressive Billy Corgan and his Smashing Pumpkins—lighten up, bro. Oh, and don’t try to tell me that Fall Out Boy is good.

Meanwhile, the dumptowns in your own backyard that you try to ignore have been producing legitimate legends.

 

Rochester, NY

If Neil Young needs voice lessons, I’m sure Foreigner’s Lou Gramm—from Rochester—would be willing to help.

 

Buffalo, NY

As Buffalo’s Rick James showed, U Can’t Touch This song.

 

Erie, PA

Train’s Pat Monahan got his start in Erie (before moving far, far away).

 

Cleveland, OH

Tracy Chapman. Mic drop.

 

Toledo, OH

A dropout from the local university named Kid Cudi proved—with a little help from David Guetta—that Ohioans can party.

 

Detroit, MI

As Stevie Wonder and countless others have shown, Detroit will shame any of the garbage your cities put out.

 

Milwaukee, WI

Along with providing lessons in de facto segregation, Milwaukee fostered a band called Violent Femmes.

 

Duluth, MN

Bob Dylan. Enough said.

 

Where am I going with all this?

The binational Great Lakes megaregion is already the most populated megaregion in North America.

If you, Chicago and Toronto, stop thumbing your noses at us and actually embrace your surroundings, we can make it the most dynamic megaregion in the world.

With a little rebranding (and maybe a touch of capital), we can overtake the East Coast. And the West Coast won’t even stand a chance.

So cut the sh*t.

Are you on board?