The Dream Cruise Everyone Has To Take

You’re thinking about your dream cruise all wrong.*

Screw the Caribbean.

And Alaska.

Europe, too.

In fact, screw wherever you’ve been told your dream cruise should take place.

Granted, I will be engaging in the same type of peddling, but you can listen to me.**

You have American Cruise Lines to thank for this journey, specifically its brand-new luxury cruise ship called the American Patriot.

Built in 2025, the five-deck vessel can accommodate 130 guests, with each stateroom boasting its own balcony. Lounges, elevated dining, a fitness center—you name it, you got it.

Now for the best part.

The nine-day itinerary starts in Syracuse (New York, not Sicily), previously known for a thriving industrial economy and now known for child poverty.

From there, transportation is provided to the grimy college town of Oswego, located on none other than Lake Ontario.

Once on the water, the first stop is Clayton in the Thousand Islands, also known as the formerly prosperous region with castles and mansions where natural beauty has given way to methamphetamines.

Next up is Ogdensburg, the city on the St. Lawrence River no one outside Upstate New York has heard of (thank you Montreal and Quebec City).

Then its back to the lake for the incontrovertible highlight of the tour: Rochester, New York.

Home of Susan B. Anthony, Kodak, ComposeMD, and a decent amount of crime, you’ll learn why history is all Rochester’s got.

Ultimately, the expedition requires transit to yet another lake, namely Lake Erie.

Obviously, nature’s passage—Niagara Falls—is impassable, thereby mandating a jaunt to the nearby Welland Canal.

Waiting on the other side is the majestic metropolis of Buffalo.

After indulging in chicken wings, you’ll be told that several abandoned buildings are architecturally noteworthy.

When it’s all said and done, you’ll fully understand why most of Upstate New York has moved to Florida.

*According to a trend-challenged, Rust-Belt-obsessed, middle-aged dude.

**At your own risk.