I had this vision the other day. When my son—at his Christ-centered university—heard people asking questions like Is Psalms 78 timeless? or How do you interpret Numbers 14:9? or What’s your favorite Epistle?, he asked What’s the Bible? There was clearly only one way to prevent this nightmare—Bible study.
It was Father’s Day, meaning the kid felt somewhat obligated to engage with whatever nonsense came out of my mouth. Strategically, he woke up around noon to blunt the burden of the commitment.
Then, as he played some sort of video game on his phone, I began the interrogation. Of course, I had taken advantage of the fact that Thomas Nelson, based in my son’s destination of Nashville, is not only one of the world’s leading publishers of Christian content but also the publisher of books that allow people like me to feign expertise in said content.
Me: How many books are in the Protestant Bible?
Sohan: Uh, I don’t know.
Me: 66. How many in the Old Testament?
Sohan: I don’t know.
Me: 39. The New Testament?
Sohan: I don’t know.
Apparently he didn’t feel like doing the math.
Me: 27. What is the Old Testament?
Sohan: Before Jesus.
I felt a surge of hope.
Me: The New Testament?
Sohan: Jesus and stuff. Is the Catholic Bible different?
Not expecting this degree of reciprocity in Bible study, I was forced to crack out the phone for a quick interaction with AI. Apparently, the Catholic Bible has more books in the Old Testament, and I shared this information with my pupil.
Sohan (again!): Wait, when did the whole Catholic-Protestant thing happen?
I went through the simplified version—Eastern Orthodoxy splitting from Catholicism in 1054, and Protestantism reacting against Catholicism starting in the 1500s (with innumerable Protestant denominations popping up thereafter).
Me: What are the different kinds of books in the Old Testament?
Sohan: I don’t know.
Me: Historical, poetical, and prophetical. So if you want to learn the history, stick to the historical ones.
Sohan: Okay.
Me: How about the New Testament?
Sohan: I don’t know.
Me: Historical and the Epistles, which are letters.
Sohan: Okay.
I had the feeling I was losing control of the Bible study, which was officially confirmed when he let out a shout of glee regarding the video game.
Me: I’ll end with an easy one. What is the first book of the Old Testament?
Sohan: I don’t know.
Me: You got to be kidding me! Genesis!
Sohan: Like the Morgan Wallen song?
Me: Oh, I never heard that one.
Sohan: It’s not bad.
Me: Isn’t he the guy who threw a chair off the sixth story of a bar?
Sohan: Yeah.
Me: Don’t you think Genesis was better with Peter Gabriel?
Sohan: Maybe. Phil Collins was good, too, though.
Me: Can you play any Genesis?
Sohan: Like “Firth of Fifth”?
Me: You do know that’s a pun on the Firth of Forth, as in the estuary of the River Forth in Scotland?
Sohan: Cool.
Me: Since it’s Father’s Day, can you show me?
He moped on over to the piano.
For a minute, I had a feeling the whole Nashville thing could work out.
But then he picked up his phone again—and I remembered he was going there for a business degree.
I threw up my arms and mumbled It’s in God’s hands.
