My Picks for Trump’s Cabinet and Staff

Given my complete lack of political experience, I’m perfectly suited to chime in regarding President Trump’s cabinet and staff.

As a reminder, the cabinet typically includes the vice president and the heads of 15 departments—the Attorney General and the Secretaries of Agriculture, Commerce, Defense, Education, Energy, Health and Human Services, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, the Interior, Labor, State, Transportation, the Treasury, and Veterans Affairs.

Staff positions are more fluid in number and more beholden to the president’s agenda. If desired, they can be elevated to the cabinet level.

In any event, here’s an assorted and incomplete look at my expert picks.

 

White House Chief of Staff: Patrick Mahomes

Not only has this Chief won multiple MVPs and Super Bowls, but he can keep socialists like Taylor Swift in check.

 

Border Czar: Madonna

In 1984, Madonna proved herself perfectly capable of managing the borderline. It’s time for a return to the common sense of the Reagan era.

 

Attorney General: Lawyer Milloy

Just look at his name.

 

Secretary of State: Hulk Hogan

Trump’s cabinet needs a real American in charge of foreign policy.

 

Secretary of Defense: Victor Wembanyama

No one can defend quite like this Frenchman—get him his US citizenship immediately.

 

Secretary of Labor: Rihanna

The woman just knows how to work. Sure, her flirtation with Canadian ideology (aka Drake) might be cause for concern, but she did also show that mere pregnancy is no excuse for missing a day at the office.

 

Secretary of Education: Pink Floyd

We don’t need no education. Enough said.

 

Secretary of the Treasury: Travie McCoy

Who better than the aspirational rapper from Geneva, New York, to help manage the country’s finances?

 

Secretary of Health and Human Services: “Weird Al” Yankovic

As this video evidence shows, Weird Al’s years of surgical experience will serve the nation well.

 

Environmental Protection Agency Administrator: John D. Rockefeller

The founder of the Standard Oil Company was made for this role. Yes, he’s dead, but that’s only fitting.

 

UN Ambassador: Toto

Given the band’s extensive experience with Africa, this one’s a no-brainer. I mean, can we really trust Weezer to be loyal to Trump?