A rabbit hole can be a very dangerous place. And when that rabbit hole makes you plan a 1,815-mile road trip, it can be expensive, time-consuming, and greenhouse-gas-emitting, too.
But I am American.
In other words, if I have a non-fuel-efficient SUV, a love of highways, and easy access to gasoline, am I not going to take advantage?
This road trip starts in the relatively anonymous Rochester, New York, an afterthought in its own state and the red-headed stepchild of Lake Ontario (thank you, Toronto).
The best part, however, is that by the time the road trip is over, Rochester might actually seem desirable.
You’ll see what I mean.
The first stop is Valparaiso, and not the one in Chile. This one is in Indiana, home to 34,151 people, a fair number of conservatives, and a popcorn festival in honor of former resident Orville Redenbacher (that popcorn guy).
From there, the road will lead to Chicago. But don’t get too excited—I won’t be seeing anything you’ve actually heard of in the nation’s third-largest city. There will be one stop on Halsted Street to look at a bunch of nondescript buildings before a return to the highway and daydreams of a more nuanced locale.
That city is Cedar Falls, Iowa, once home to the dude who wrote The Bridges of Madison County. He’s since passed, but 40,713 people remain.
I obviously won’t be able to go to Iowa without checking out the state capital Des Moines, site of government employees, insurance types, and about 214,133 people who talk about things like family values and quality of life. To be fair, Caitlan Clark, Gabby Douglas, and Ronald Reagan did hang out there for a bit.
I’ll then head back to Illinois to observe Peoria, the land of 113,150 Peorians and birthplace of Betty Friedan, the lady who pissed off a lot of people by writing a book about how women should be allowed to have careers.
A stone’s throw away is the next stop, a place called Normal. If you’ve ever driven through middle America, you’ll know there’s nothing normal about it—in fact, it’s pretty f*cked up. My guess is that the 52,736 residents of Normal won’t disappoint, seeing that John Malkovich once lived there.
After that, it’ll be back to Indiana to see some place called Terre Haute, which provides shelter to 58,389 Hoosiers, apparently not enough to prevent Steve Martin from once calling the place Nowhere, USA.
A relatively quick drive south will take me to Evansville, a surprisingly robust burg on the Ohio River that houses 118,414 and helped foster the talent of the fellow who played Freddie Mercury in the film Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’ll then jump back over to Illinois to roam through Carbondale, a town of 25,083 that gave us all these people worthy of a Wikipedia page.
After the life-changing experience, I’ll make my way to Murray, Kentucky, where I’m assuming a few of the 17,307 residents occasionally do notable things.
And finally, I’ll end in Nashville, Tennessee, but only to say hello to my son before ditching the car, flying back to Western New York, and doing something productive—or writing nonproductive blog posts.
Note
The 11 stops on this road trip are home to the 11 universities that comprise the Missouri Valley Conference in NCAA basketball. (As Missouri State University is leaving the conference in 2025, Springfield, Missouri, didn’t make the cut.)
You’ll note that not one—unless I’m mistaken—is actually in the Missouri River Valley.
You’ll also note that a rabbit hole, in addition to being everything mentioned above, can be depressing in spots.
And with that, here’s the itinerary.
B
Valparaiso, Indiana: Valparaiso University
C
Chicago, Illinois: University of Illinois Chicago
D
Cedar Falls, Iowa: University of Northern Iowa
E
Des Moines, Iowa: Drake University
F
Peoria, Illinois: Bradley University
G
Normal, Illinois: Illinois State University
H
Terre, Haute, Indiana: Indiana State University
I
Evansville, Indiana: University of Evansville
J
Carbondale, Illinois: Southern Illinois University
K
Murray, Kentucky: Murray State University
L
Nashville, Tennessee: Belmont University (Go Bruins!)
