My Wife’s Spanglish Sucks

The Western Hemisphere is where languages go to die—and get reborn as something that irritates Europeans. Take Spanglish for example.

Mixed in is the erosion of what academics consider proper language—make that two proper languages—and the birth of something new.

If you can’t stand fusion—or you can’t stand the US—click away immediately.

Because Spanglish is a purist’s worst nightmare.

The general idea is a blend of the vocabulary and grammar of Spanish and English.

Definitions are hazy, and linguists aren’t sure what to call it. Spanglish in one spot may be different from that in another. But the bottom line is that for those who are even marginally bilingual, you know it when you hear it.

• Dónde está mi backpack?
• We need to comprar cerveza para la fiesta.
• Tu teléfono necesita un upgrade.
• No puedo encontrar el libro—it’s missing.
• Estoy super excited!

 

There are books in Spanglish, including The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, winner of the 2008 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. And, of course, there are songs in Spanglish.

But as with any form of communication, some are more gifted than others.

My wife has many talents, but as I’ve discovered over the years, Spanglish is not one of them.

Initially, I wondered if she was simply creating her own form of Spanglish, which, after all, lends itself to all sorts of creativity. Eventually, however, I realized this was something else altogether. This was stuff that Spanglish speakers—looked down upon by the rest of the world—might look down upon themselves.

Here’s the evidence:

• Pointing at me, she said: He, my esposa. I’m all for gender fluidity, but I still prefer to be known as her husband—esposo—and not her wife.
• One morning at a hotel, she asked: ¿Cuándo déjeuner? Yes, we were hungry, but I’m not sure the French word for breakfast communicated that as well as desired.
• When ordering ice cream, rather than say chocolate in English or chocolate in Spanish, she mysteriously opted to say chokolit with an Indian accent.
• When relating our adventures of the previous day, she said: Yesterday, we go to canal. As far as I could tell, it was just broken English spoken by a fluent English speaker.
• And finally, after conceding that her Spanish needed some work, she told a cashier: No habla español, as in you don’t speak Spanish.

 

So to all those who are mangling two of the world’s most widely spoken languages, my wife and I apologize for taking it too far.

 

Acknowledgements:

The author would like to thank his esposa for providing entertainment and allowing him to share it with el mundo.