How I Ended Up Near a Ditch—Again

It’s not very glorious living near a ditch.

And when the ditch is filled with brown water, having no use beyond being an eyesore advertised as history, it’s even worse.

Such is life in the part of New York State that is not New York City, known collectively—and perhaps derisively—as Upstate New York.

That ditch, of course, was manmade, considered at first a folly and then a marvel of human engineering, spanning some 360 miles from the eastern tip of Lake Erie in Buffalo to the Hudson River near Albany.

Opened in 1825, the result was an aquatic connection between the Great Lakes and the Atlantic Ocean, one that would have all sorts of economic consequences.

First, New York City would become the Eastern Seaboard’s dominant port, all but ensuring its fate as the country’s most important city.

Second, the middle of the country would become economically viable, connected by a “superhighway” to the East Coast and the rest of the world.

Finally, along the route popped up a host of towns, some of which became cities in their own right.

In short, during an era when economies were birthed from the water, the Erie Canal was a sort of umbilical cord.

Needless to say, the utility of an umbilical cord is short-lived, and in the grand scheme of history, so was the case for the Big Ditch.

Railroads, highways, and even other water routes conspired to relegate the canal to a relic of the past, also known as a taxpayer-funded recreational corridor (and inspiration for several competent microbreweries).

Aside from New York City, the burgs that benefited from the ditch have all seen better days, including Rochester, the one I call home.

It’s not that Rochester is floundering—the 21st-century economy is alive and well. But to say that the Flour City is at peak prosperity would be misleading.

Rochester has become a family town, a place where people go—or stay—to live comfortable lives, generally devoid of pain and fame.

The brown trough is complemented by copious cloud cover, a source of lake-effect snow that blankets the region with about eight feet of the white stuff per season.

It’s no doubt a slice of Americana, though it’s a slice that drives many Rochesterians to seek novel vacation destinations, places that provide an antidote to the realities of living near a liquid gutter.

That is the group in which I landed in mid-2024, tasked with planning a family getaway for December of that year.

As I began to rack my brain for options, I knew that popular canal towns would have to be taken off the table.

As such, Venice, Italy, was the first to go.

Shortly thereafter, I gave Amsterdam the axe, followed by some place in Belgium called Bruges.

Once I gained momentum, there was no stopping me.

Birmingham—the one in England—went bye-bye.

So did Hamburg, as in the one in Germany—the one in Upstate New York was off the list before it even started.

To cover my bases, I booted Stockholm, Bangkok, and some place in China I never heard of.

Once I had increased the probability of being canal-free, I then shifted my focus to language.

To boost the exotic factor, I tried to eliminate spots where English reigned supreme. I even decided to avoid places where the US had once rested its large derrière, whether or not its linguistic gifts had been as well-received as desired.

And finally, as the US has more Spanish speakers than anywhere in the world besides Mexico, I opted to steer clear of Spanish-speaking countries as well.

Despite all the restrictions, I knew the options were still boundless.

I entered a state of deep thought, staring at the world map on the wall next to my computer.

Everything had to sync with flight options, budgetary constraints, and other real-world limitations, but I knew that if left with my ruminations—and no interruptions—I would find the perfect target.

And that’s when the phone rang.

“We were thinking of celebrating my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary in December,” said my wife.

“Great!” I replied, having been trained well over the preceding quarter century.

“And they want to go to Panama.”