The Bible in Public Schools: 5 Great Alternatives

I don’t live in Oklahoma, but I have heard that the state superintendent who mandated that public schools teach the Bible is open to book suggestions. As a parent of at least mediocre standing, I consider myself an authority on the matter. Here are five alternatives to the Bible in public schools, all of which will contribute to a better America.

 

Where Is Walt Disney World? by Joan Holub

 

 

There are very few books that teach our American children how to properly embrace obesity, accrue credit card debt to visit a fake city, or buy T-shirts with mice on them.

This masterpiece does all three, all while blending reality and fantasy.

One word: Mandatory.

 

This Isn’t Happening: Radiohead’s Kid A and the Beginning of the 21st Century by Steven Hyden

 

 

The fact that an entire generation of Americans thinks that “Creep” is Radiohead’s best song speaks to the failure of our educational system.

By exposing our future to legitimate art, we will ensure that no one thinks Oklahomans like Toby Keith actually made good music.

Oh, and everyone will stand for “The National Anthem”.

 

The Games That Changed the Game: The Evolution of the NFL in Seven Sundays by Ron Jaworski

 

 

Sundays are for…football. How can we expect our youth to embrace this day of rest without understanding the game plans that got us here in the first place?

This book will also make students more likely to ask for a day off on the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday.

Note: Evolution can be changed to creation.

 

This Is Marketing: You Can’t Be Seen Until You Learn To See by Seth Godin

 

 

Without understanding marketing, how will the next generation understand how the apostles spread the teachings of Jesus decades after his death?

And aside from banning abortion in the South, how else will we make sure that Christians keep Muslims out of the number one spot?

 

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling

 

 

No offense to the New Testament, but while healing people, walking on water, and turning water into wine are cool, we need our fiction to be more aspirational.

Shouldn’t we expect our obese and football-obsessed youngsters to apparate, hide behind (extra-large) invisibility cloaks, and turn water into firearms?

After all, it’s time to make America great again!