In March, Americans Are Even More Annoying

It’s March, American

It’s that time of year

When you prove yet again

That your madness is sincere

 

First you exported those burgers

If that’s what you call McDonald’s

The fries almost made me a converter

But the meat looks rather intestinal

 

And what’s the deal with Subway?

That other place that you’ve spread

The fresh veggies are kind of okay

But is the brown thing even bread?

 

There’s a bunch of other stuff too

Like Walmart and, yes, KFC

The latter I would maybe pursue

If I were looking for a coronary

 

Then there’s this other thing

That you pushed on us years ago

No big deal, but it’s growing

And it’s odd, as far as I know

 

People, they bounce a ball

And throw it in a small hoop

Honestly, that’s about all

Now the world’s stuck with this gloop

 

I could blame it on Michael Jordan

For forcing us all to care

But it might have been a Canadian

Who invented this wretched affair

 

Today there are leagues on our land

And we send the best players to you

Until the Saudis improve their brand

By starting their own league too

 

I guess I could make do with it

If the oddness ended here

I mean, we obsess over a football pitch

Which is also a bit weird

 

But you, American, you never stop

With your cultural exportation

Sure, I can’t blame you for K-pop

But the marketing—you’ve shared that transgression

 

That gets me to my next point

About this strange March tournament

In which you worship and anoint

Kids as heroes—that’s just indulgent

 

Do you really expect me to watch

Teenagers playing some game?

That’s taking your ask up a notch

Especially when you shower them with fame

 

This is all in the name of education

Just another part of college

Listen, as a simple observation

That’s a whole lot of garbage

 

The organizers make a cool billion

And line their pockets with cash

As you and your little minions

Sit around and support all this trash

 

Then there’s the gambling

Which I guess now is legal

Where companies enjoy strangling

Workers whose habits are lethal

 

Oh, but there is a helpline

So it’s all totally fine

The despair can become sunshine

At least that’s the tagline

 

But back to the games themselves

Who even are all these teams?

Samford, McNeese, who else?

An exercise in trivia it seems

 

I must say you make it feel important

That is, after all, your bit

You can add this to your assortment

Of well-advertised bullsh*t

 

Sorry to rain on your parade

It’s what we Europeans do

The truth hurts I’m afraid

Though I know you’ll make it through

 

They call it March Madness

That much is true

But when it comes to real neurosis

That, American, it lies with you

 

Note: The author is American and enamored with college basketball.