Chicago: The Sensitive Bully

Chicago, you’re an absolute beast

And not just for a city that’s not in the East

By any measure you’re one hundred percent legit

Let’s go ahead and take a quick look at it

 

You were incorporated as a town in 1833

And from there became a huge part of the American scene

Being on a Great Lake was absolutely key

Not to mention a canal to the Mighty Mississippi

 

For the railroad you were a natural choice

It brought more people and with them your voice

They came literally from all over the world

And with their labor your greatness was unfurled

 

Of course not everything was always hunky-dory

The Great Fire of 1871 is a big part of your story

And not everyone who came had a fairy-tale life

Just read The Jungle—there was definitely strife

 

Then there was the issue of your foul sewage

Flowing into Lake Michigan, making your water pew-age

But you built a canal to reverse the Chicago River

And send your sh*t to St. Louis—how’s that for giver?

 

You kept on growing into a preferred destination

You were a major end point of the Great Migration

That was around the time of the gangster Al Capone

But whatever, in organized crime you were hardly alone

 

In modern times you’re kind of a mecca

A metro area of 10 million—I’ll double check with Alexa

That’s good for number three in the entire country

And explains why you have the world’s seventh-largest GDP

 

Your architecture can only be described as sublime

All it takes is one look at the towering skyline

Home to McDonald’s and other thriving companies

Who doesn’t enjoy a Quarter Pounder with cheese?

 

You got sports, universities, and the Joffrey Ballet

Museums, art, and tons of places to pray

There are restaurants with Michelin stars to admire

Funny, I always thought that was just a tire

 

The music scene cannot be overlooked

On house and industrial you got the world hooked

You groomed Herbie Hancock and that weirdo Ye

And the Smashing Pumpkins—what happened to them anyway?

 

You inspired a whole bunch of shows and movies

The list is too long for this short poetic squeeze

Let’s just say we all loved Perfect Strangers

And the kid Ferris Bueller was a total game changer

 

Navy Pier, Millennium Park, the Magnificent Mile, and more

And with the river reversed a pretty cool lakeshore

Two airports, some trains, great public transportation

No wonder you’re always hosting some sort of convention

 

Other famous people have lived in your bounds

Some family named the Obamas was known to hang around

And there was another lady who went by Oprah

She ended up having quite the public persona

 

You’re such a force, Chicago, almost a player

No Midwest city can even remotely compare

That’s why you smirk when you look around fully

And why others might even call you a bully

 

But we all know that bullies are insecure

And it’s easy to push your buttons, that’s for sure

The quickest way to make you pop your cork

Is pretty simple—just mention New York

 

They’re bigger and always like to think they’re better

It’s hard to argue they’re not the trendsetters

That reality basically drives you crazy

Even their pizza’s a notch above—maybe

 

Other things can give you a figurative welt

Like saying you’re secretly part of the Rust Belt

You have, after all, lost a million folks since 1950

To pretend you’re nothing like Detroit is kind of shifty

 

The list goes on, not to be mean

For example, your weather can be obscene

The landscape—well, it’s kind of flat

And your hefty sales tax—what’s up with that?!

 

Of your murders and segregation it’s hard to be proud

They hang over you like a big, dark cloud

Not to imply that you aren’t trying

But to say you got it solved would definitely be lying

 

With all this said, you have so much to offer

Immigrants still pour in to line their coffers

No one can deny you have an intangible vibe

The energy at times is hard to describe

 

And we all know that nowhere can be perfect

That’s something that everyone just has to accept

So you, Chicago, be proud of your glow

If nothing else, be happy you’re not Buffalo