Doctors are highly-paid customer service specialists, meaning they’re expected to kiss everyone’s @ss, regardless of what is said to them.
Bloggers make way less money, but at least they can tell the truth.
With that in mind, in our anthropocentric times, it’s worth an occasional reminder that we’re strikingly similar to our surroundings. So similar, in fact, that we might find superior companionship in the non-human elements of those surroundings.
Let’s take a look.
The Premise
Deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) carries the code of life, no matter the exact form that such life takes. Of course, small changes in the code can lead to relatively large changes in appearance, but the code can be remarkably similar among disparate species.
Scientists have taken advantage of such similitudes for decades, successfully using various animal models to study human disease. And we’re going to take advantage by expanding our friend possibilities—because since we’re being honest, humans can be pretty annoying.
The Matchups
Keep in mind that the percent similarities below are approximations (usually overestimates) that don’t account for important nuances in the genome. Furthermore, they refer to overlap in the DNA sequence between the coding portions of genomes, i.e. the parts that code for proteins and not the much more abundant non-coding parts. Finally, if one species has a protein that is not found in another species, this discrepancy is typically not captured by the listed numbers.
With that disclaimer out of the way, we’ll start by saying that humans share about 99.9% of their genetic code with each other. But—as you’ll see below—they also share a sizable amount with other species.
So ask yourself:
Would you rather hang out with a human or a…?
…
Chimpanzee (98.8%)
Chimps are our closest relatives. Yeah, they’re not nearly as good with language, but they’re way stronger, which could come in handy for those major projects you need help with. And do you want to risk getting stuck with one of those humans who’s not that smart and compensates by talking really loudly?
Winner: Chimpanzee
…
Dog (94%)
This is a no-brainer. Fine, dogs can be needy, and picking up the poop can get old, but hanging out with a perpetual toddler is more desirable than listening to someone go on and on with their unfounded opinions.
Winner: Dog
…
Cat (90%)
Cats shed and can hiss at you unexpectedly, but they’re pretty low-maintenance, content to do their own thing and check in occasionally to acknowledge your existence.
Winner: Cat
…
Mouse (85%)
This is a tough call, but mice are generally creepy and disgusting. Sure, some humans also fit that description quite well, but it’s probably worth a roll of the dice to see if you end up with one of the nice ones.
Winner: Human
…
Cow (80%)
Cows, when placed in the right environment, can be quite thoughtful and docile. And if you get lucky, you could have a steady supply of milk which—assuming lactose tolerance—could help feed your cheese and cracker habit.
Winner: Cow
…
Fruit fly (60%)
These things can be irritating at times, but in the grand scheme of things—particularly compared to humans—they’re pretty harmless. As a bonus, should you choose to start your own pop-up research laboratory, they could be a major asset.
Winner: Fruit fly
…
Banana (50%)
Yes, conversing with a banana might be fruitless (pun intended), but isn’t that the point? And contrary to the examples above where eating the companion would be unacceptable, labor intensive, or just disgusting, this chum could double as a convenient snack when hunger strikes.
Winner: Banana
…
Now if bananas could read blogs, ComposeMD would truly be in business.
